i can’t wait to swim

April 30, 2008

Did you know…it’s been almost 8 years since I’ve gone swimming? At first, I stopped because I didn’t have access to a beach or a pool but then somehow I became afraid to go swimming…because I was afraid to be seen in a bathing suit. It’s mind-boggling how my own insecurity has thwarted so many wonderful opportunities in my life. It just goes to show that you don’t have to be morbidly obese to be crippled by insecurity. I’m around a size 12 and I can’t believe that I have literally been so scared about showing my body that I’ve stopped living my life!

You’re thinking, omg, she was that self-conscious?! Yeah, I was/am. Yeah, I can’t believe it either.

So I went and bought water shoes and am determined to get back in the water. It’s been raining all week so my joints are flaring up and next week comes Aunt Flo but after all that is out of the way, I vow to go swimming again! I’ve even joined a local women’s gym where there’s a pool and a sauna. I’m actually really excited. The HELL with how I look in a bathing suit. I don’t even care anymore. I just care about getting my life back.



April 28, 2008

Just when I was beginning to accept myself and be okay with the size I am now (okay as in not hating my body but learning to love it and to be patient with it), I spent the day with a friend who brought along her friend…who happens to be a model. <SIGH>

Seriously, this girl had perrrfect skin (no blemishes, no stretchmarks, no visible pores) and her legs (she was wearing a very short skirt) were amazingly long, lean, and toned. They looked like gymnasts’ legs (not the regular gymnasts but the rhythmic gymnasts who dance around with the balls, hoops, and ribbons…and who have legs that never seem to end). Basically her body was to die for and I was so depressed afterwards because I felt like no matter what I did/do, mine will never be like hers. Ever. Even if I miraculously lost all my extra weight, I still have all the stretchmarks and cellulite and horrendous pores to contend with. It was just sad.

And need I mention she ate enough calories in one meal to last me two days? Apparently she is one of those people who can eat anything she wants and still stay skinny. Such is life I guess. Some people just have all the luck.

my life thus so far…

April 26, 2008

Sometimes I live my life with a soundtrack in my head, as if I’m a character in a movie. I walk to the mailbox to Neko Case, I cook to Spanish melodies pretending I’m Penelope Cruz, I daydream to U2, I sit and watch the world go by to Tom Waits and Jeff Buckley…and so on so forth.

I really need a new car but I’m too scared to approach a dealership, fearing they’ll just rip me off and give me a bunch of extras I don’t need. I need a SUV with 4WD because my little 10 year old Honda has finally given out after the many years of being brutalized by the cold snowy winters here. But I hate how terrible the gas mileage is on SUV (17-22 mpg, seriously?! my Honda got twice that!) and wish there was a hybrid SUV that is more environmentally friendly but can still give me the power of a 4WD so I can navigate the terrain here better. Engineers, step it up!

I’m going to be crazy busy these couple of weeks. I’ll be hittin’ the books in preparation for my final exams (did I mention I was studying part-time at a local college?). Sometimes I get a little depressed that my life isn’t as “big” as I’d like it to be but I’m glad that I’m making little changes that are steps in the right direction. Have you ever seen the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding? I can relate to Toula so well.


April 25, 2008

One of the consequences of insomnia is that I get the priviledge of catching all the annoying fitness infomercials that plague your TV during the wee hours of the morning. I confess, I’ve succumb a couple of times myself, caving in and buying fitness apparatus that ultimately disappointed me.

But then there are fitness programs…Beach Body is the king of these, churning out countless exercise videos, supplements, and gear, promising to help you lose all that extra weight for good. Hmmm. They all look so encouraging but do they really work?

A friend of a friend bought the P90X system ($140) and it actually worked wonders for him. He went from Average Joe to Really Jacked Joe in about 3 months, just like it promised. Another friend of mine swears by Turbo Jam ($72.80), where she kickboxed her way into size 4 jeans. But I’ve always failed at keeping to a program. Why? I realized it’s because I have a tendency to do too much too quickly and then burn out only after the first week (the 2nd week if I’m really determined).

Weight loss is not supposed to be a rapid thing if you’re doing it the healthy way. I’m committed to not just losing the weight, but I’m serious about achieving a healthier mindset as well. Emotional health is important for me and without it, I know I will quickly sabatoge any strides I’ve made. So I’ve been taking things slow, incorporating exercise when I can and trying not to beat myself up when I “fail” and happen to eat too much. Most of my exercise consists of walking outside and/or using the elliptical machine…and I think my body as reached a point where it’s bored.

My friend gave me a boost. She gave me her old Slim in 6 ($72) DVDs which she used before advancing to much harder workout programs. I was hesistant in accepting them. Do I really need more fitness videos that I know won’t work for me? But then I took them anyway and decided…okay, I will give it a whirl. 6 weeks. Let’s see if I can do this…So today I popped in the first video, “Start it Up” and surprisingly I survived the workout! It was only 25 min but I felt great afterwards. Now I’m a bit excited. Maybe I CAN keep to this if I make sure not to do too much too soon?

Anyway, I’d like to know if any of you have tried infomercial fitness programs and if they worked for you?

Fat Flush Results

April 25, 2008

Where did all my posts go? Something is amiss with this blogging program. I’m not sure if they are deleted or not.

Anyway, I wanted to update you on how my fat flush went. It went well. I lost 5lbs of “water weight” in about 3 days and felt really renewed. I quickly incorporated sugary carbs (like fruit) back in on the 3rd day because my body really struggled without them. I’m not sure how people on Atkins or any other kind of low-carb diets do it. My body simply cannot withstand that kind of carb deprivation. I would feel completely exhausted and lethargic, and my heart would beat more rapidly than normal. It’s not a good feeling.

Anyway, it felt good to get the bloat out of my system. I don’t know about you but I can “feel” the extra water because my tummy and my sides get really swollen. Unfortunately in my case, this can only be relieved with strenous exercise, lots of water, and very little carbs.

After my “fat flush” I resumed my regular eating and cut down on the exercise (because I was so tired). A few pounds came back but I was expecting it. It wasn’t so much about the numbers on the scale as it was about detoxifying my system and even though the numbers are currently still hovering around the same as before, I FEEL better and less burdened with bloat. I’m not sure if that makes sense.